my heart tears

Will I be able to write my story someday?

How will I handle this pain?

I fear, cos the devil tells me to fear the coming pain and heart break. 

But God’s got to me… so heart break or not I will be fine.

It doesn’t feel like that now but I will be fine. 

I won’t say I should have moved on

I won’t say I should have accepted others. 

I still choose God and if the situation should present itself again..i will still choose God.

The journey – I stayed

2008;

Good bye is what I said to a bit of my past.

Ready for war I stepped to freedom, knowing that my past had drawn the battle line.

I was to lay low, as low as a long 2 to 3 year wait till I am found by him.

2009;

It begun much faster than I expected so I sort to prayer.

“It has to be your choice Lord, if you don’t make it, I won’t” So I didn’t.

It was easy, not painful.  Enjoying every moment of God making the choice.

“This is far easier than they make it seem” So I thought.

2010;

It was settled. For me, the choice had been made. 

I searched the bible, anything to lock up the settlement… nothing really just the single peace in my heart and many confirmations I received because I won’t fully trust.

Locked up, I was in the journey of mistakes, as I begun to close up because it was settled.

Well this is not a journey of mistakes but a journey of learning: that I wish to share.

2011,

Nothing seemed to be growing in this area. 

Wondering if I heard right. 

But understanding totally the need for silence.

I stayed.

2012,

Hearts shuttered. 

Word clearly spoken. 

He didn’t want me. 

I was better for someone else.

I stayed.

2013,

Lost, not sure where I was

I journeyed into womanhood. 

Fighting against the urge to be the faithful, humble wife. 

Ready to champion the need for domestic men.

Fight broken. 

Eyes opened

to the very heart of God knowing that being humble is simply pleasing God.

2014,

God is important to an than anything else so I swallow my pride and begin to learn 

No man will love me I told myself because I am too strong willed 

until I studied Prov 31.10

then I knew …

I knew.. 

MY imperfection was necessary to make who I am.

I am rare gem because I am imperfect 

so i stayed.

2015,

I begin to see the picture

because of God I can be humble because I prefer Him to no other.

I see myself through His eyes and I can only be accepted through him

So I learn, I open up and I learn

Cherishing Him even when I don’t feel cherished

Being His ambassador when no one represent me 

Loving all He stands for when no one loves mine

Cheering for Him even when no one cheers for me

Picking my cross to begin the endurance journey.

2016,

Too long…

Too long my heart cried out

When will it be?

He said, I see it all wait, pray, wait.

You don’t understand. Implementing these things made it worse. 

I depended more on Him than on God

I waited for the day than for God.

I pined for him more than for God

Wrong equation. was not supposed to be like this.

I took a step back…watched… learned… watched.

Strength came, independence begun but nothing changed.

December… my heart was tearing apart. What had I gotten my self into… I wanted out.

Settle so I step out.

Thank God for wise 

So I stayed.

2017,

“I know what.is going on. I see … everyday look to my face… each day is a day closer…”

So sweet… but anxiety grows stronger but I keep learning

Then, no …. I don’t want this… He really doesn’t want me…

Tears, tears and bucket full otears

Wasted years

Broken heart 

Betrayed!!! Totally betrayed 

Move on…everything shouted, move on…

I stayed, broken hearted

I stay, uncertain, bruised 

I will stay

Because He holds my future, He knows it all

He sees it all

He has tomorrow better planned.

Notes on Dear Christian Brother.

Yes, I mentioned Christian brother because you all are my brothers as God is our Father. So whatever hurts you hurts me, whatever you do to someone else affects me as your sister just as it tells wrongly or greatly on our Father in heaven, God.
 
This is an observation I have been making with some of my friends of mine over some months and years now. Yes, of course all females, cos we feel the pain and easily for our sisters in the Churh.
 
Problem: We are not happy with how you treat us your sisters? (Love, relationship, marriage).
These are my thoughts from observations:
 
1. Our brothers do not settle early in life that they will get married someday and therefore aside just preparing money for the wedding ceremony and all, preparation must include learning to live as a father, husband and lover to any kind of woman.
 
2. Brothers have been schooled to believe that they have a pool of females to consider as they grow. Unfortunately our brothers of today take this wrongly. They keep a number of females around with whom they share similar initmacies with, confusing the females and confusing themselves in the long run.
 
3. Brothers do not take time to know, that a lot of attention and affection for a woman when she feels she is the only one actually moves the heart of a woman to like you more than you expected.
 
4. In your bid to have a pool to sample from, you have left in your wake a number of females who believe someday you will be coming to ask their hand in marriage only for them to hit with the message that, “I never made any promise to you”
Trust me Christian brother you are sometimes justified in your actions. I really don’t blame you. We know you do not set out to hurt your own sisters. But in the light of being a child of our Father in heaven and according to His word where we are to be kind one to another, treat others like we will want to be treated, love each other as Christ had loved us, Please take a step back and watch how you relate to us sisters.
 
Do you find more than one woman thinking too highly of the relationship you have with them? If so, pause and consider how you are treating them. No one says be an enemy all of a sudden, but are you not a child of God and is she also not same? What makes you think for this one God has no way of helping you out, to better treat His own daughters as the Princesses they are and for you to also keep your dignity as the Prince you are.
 
I am worried and concerned, because a number of broken hearts are being left in your wake. Those you know off and those you do not know.
 
Because you and her have a common father and a wrong move will actually marr our Family Name,
– please stop being too sweet if many or one woman is taking this relationship serious and you are not ready.
– please stop making her feel she is the only when you know you 2 or more other women you are considering for marriage.
– Please my brother don’t wait till the day you say I do to know that you have about 5 more hearts broken.
All because you were selfish to take more than you should have from all of them without realising their hearts will get involved.
 
Its obvious most of you do need companions at some age in your life, only you are not mostly sure by that time whether you want to marry anytime soon or whether you want to marry her.  
 
So please do not be so spiritual in everything but your heart, your marriage, your human relations and most of all decision on who to choose as a mate. The same way God talks to you on the person that needs healing, on the anointing service, on the powerful ministrations, is the same way He can and wants to talk to you about how you are relating to His daughters and how best to go about it.
 
Your Father treats His daughters as Princesses, as a Prince walking in the foot steps of your Father, being fashioned after Christ as one loving the church please treat them the same for one of these princesses will one day be your bride.

Dear Christian Brother

Our dear Christian brother,

Must we wait for you?

Smiling sweetly to every sister (I am being hospitable)

Paying close attention to each one like they were more than special (I just like to treat every one equally)

 

Must we wait for you?

Spending more than time with her only.

Being available and around anytime she needs you.

 

Must we wait for you?

Taking in all her designs made specifcally for your stomach.

Enjoying alone, the special attention she gives.

 

Must we wait for you?

Noticing now something better.

Craving now a new venture.

 

Must we wait for you?

Hurting cos she finds your heart belongs to another.

Broken cos all you spent with her are wasted.

 

Must we wait for you?

Our dear Christian brother.

Shape up or ship out!!!

So much on my mind

I have to be a wife… his wife.

I thought that was supposed to be easy

Considering I had had lots of practice already

But what does it mean to be “HIS” wife:

  • A warrior, gate keeper, passionate intercessor
  • A lover of God more than anything else
  • An understander of the scriptures and ability to interprete
  • Wanting God more than anything or any one

Then…
– Being his help meet
– Being his prophet
– Being his advisor
– Being his confidant
– Being his best friend
– Being his shoulder to lean on and cry on
– Being his number one fan
– Being his number one ship mate
– Being his defender
– Being his spokesperson
– Being his armour
– Being his lover
– Being his caretaker
– Being his ee—vveeerr—yy–th—iiii–nnn–gggg.

Tough huh!!