New Us #2

WP_20170922_13_47_52_ProYusuf had just finished praying and slowly closed his bible.

“Holy Spirit have mercy on me, please help me find my way back. Its been so quiet without you and now nothing is working.  I am sorry… But I thought I was to love my wife?”

“Not more than me Yusuf”

Yusuf beamed in smiles, jumped up and screamed “You spoke, you spoke. Thank you Holy Spirit”

“I am a jealous God, my glory I share with no one”

“I am sorry, I am now beginning to understand where I went wrong, please don’t take her away from me. I want to make it right” Yusuf looked very worried.

“I will help  you. I always have and I always will”

“Thank you Father, thank you Holy Spirit. Ho else can I have but you” He stepped inside the room.

Yusuf was at their village home, the one he had built in Xorlali’s hometown for their annual vacation. He loved the Volta region. Xorla’s village has some peace and quiet that he yearned for. He had never come here without her. He knew she will not be happy to know he came here alone, but this was necessary if their marriage was to survive.

Things had not been okay for the past year and the recent 6 months its been getting worse.It was no more Xorlali and him, now his work performance was suffering and this was affecting output and revenue. He was on the brink of being sacked for making his quota 3 months consecutively.This the reason why he had to boycott his anniversary and hide away with God. Anything to prove to God that he was serious this time.

He should have needed the prompting years ago. He would have been able to salvage a lot today, but then again, Yusuf couldn’t be more grateful for God grace. What bothered him was how he was going to change his routine around Xorla and explain to her what has been happening without she feeling like she stood between him and God. He caused all this.

Yusuf had grown up in a home where his mother was constantly realised by his father. She had been neglected on birthdays, anniversaries etc. She was  no different from a maid and she had no confidence. He had vowed after he became born again to be particular about women. Part of that vow was to ensure his wife was his best friend and celebrate very occasion with and for her.

“I think over did it” Yusuf muttered to himself. He started packing, it was time to return to home. He definitely needed to sit with Xorla and explain to  her why he ditched their anniversary. He was however dreading going to sit in that long queue at the volta river. There was some work ongoing at the Adome bridge that  went across the river, so now all cars and humans needed to be transported across the river on the Pontoon. One could be at the bank of the river for hours before it was time to cross.

He will probably get a mini bus and cross over on foot on the Pontoon. He will find a mini bus on the pontoon going home, that will be simpler.

“Xorla, you will have to forgive me, but I pray you understand” he zipped his bag.

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New Us #1

WP_20170922_13_47_52_Pro

Xorlali opened her eyes to the lights streaming from her glass windows.

“Who left the blinds open” she thought to herself as she kissed her teeth and swang her legs off the king sized bed. The very one Yusuf insisted on buying for their 6th wedding anniversary, last year.

“What waste of money?” She closed the blinds and then remembered she had fallen asleep whiles reading the day before. She dragged her feet to the sink to brush her teeth. Today was going to be tough to get through. It was the morning of thier 7th Anniversary.

Yusuf Freeman proposed to Xorlali Adjo when they were completing their final year in University of Cape Town. Yusuf got a job in Johannesburg immediately. The company paid for all his resettlement cost and afforded him teh luxury of marrying Xorlali at the Rivers Church in Sandton. It was a beautiful ceremony but today Xorlali was exhausted and wished this day will not come.

You know what they say about the stages in marriage … She wondered if they will make it past this 7th year. Things were not as they were supposed to be. She had taken a leave as always from Wednesday to prepare for this anniversary weekend. She had been praying in the past days that the Lord will perhaps allow them see a good anniversary this year.

Two days before today, she rushed home excitedly to tell Yusuf that she got her leave. This time she had everything planned, it was her turn to plan and she had the perfect place in mind… They will go back home; Ghana!!!

“I forgot to tell you… I have an out of town meeting beginning this Thursday…”

“What? Yusuf, stop joking please”

“I am not joking Adjo. I am sure we can plan for some other time” Yusuf packed his laptop and went straight to the room without looking back even once.

To Xorlali, it was a confirmation… Something was not right.

Now just before you go ahead and start speculating, Xorlali and Yusuf loved each other too much it made many around them envious. They were never seen apart from each other. They went together for lunch almost everyday within the week. They will either meet at Yusuf’s office or Xorlali’s which were both on the Eglin road in Sandton. It was either the two of them or none of them at all; not to Church, work, parents home, friends or their small group meetings. They were always seen together.

In the past 6 months their home had suddenly become unwelcoming. Nothing had changed with how they treated each other but something was not right. This was why Xorlali hoped their 7th anniversary vacation will definitely spice things up again but it seemed that was not going to happen.

Xorlali quickly rinsed her mouth as she realised she had been staring at the mirror the whole 30 minutes just thinking. She sighed heavily as she walked to her desk, picked up her bible and walked to her bed.

She propped up the pillows for her back support and closed her eyes, she had no choice… but to do her quiet time.

Best not better

Recently I shared with you my heart on dance.

Well here is a bit about my heart.

You see anytime I thought about love, I thought about a husband and a wife, then Christ and His bride (the church). I always knew there is more to what the world teaches us. Over the years I tried to love to the best of my ability, but now I am gunning for something else.

When I learnt about Christ and His love for the church, I had some level of understanding. I realised that modelling Christ’s love for the church makes loves so much easier than we make it.

Here are a few things painful things I learn from Christ love to His bride (the church)

  • Love could be and mostly has constant disappointments: the church of today is not necessarily modelling the life Christ came to live on earth. Most of the time are actions bring grief his heart as a groom, but guess what, His word says “nothing” separates us from his love.
  • Love involves pain, pain that could be destrcutive or building especially for the one who loves most: Because Christ loves us, He gets a lot of pain from us because we constantly do not reciprocate his love and we do this by our numerous ungodly behaviuor towards fellow humans and to him.
  • Love is sacrificing … I am sure you do not need an explanation to this.
  • Love supports: We as Christians are called to stand for God and for His purpose by so doing we show our love for Christ and what He stands for.

There are more … but recently I am learning to love through tough pain. Where everything in your shouts fight back and you choose not to because of love. That is what Christ teaches.

Learning to live through a wounded heart can be very devastating .. but when you have lived through it, there is strength and there is much gain.

I am finding a place in God that I should have found a long time ago. As painful as it is, I am glad I am finding it now. Better late than never right?

I have a picture of love in my mind’s eye. I have seen it in the scriptures and I have observed it from people. I now know its time to want best and settle for better. So I am on a journey to finding God’s best. Whatever that means, I await God’s interpretation. He who owns the manual of life, knows how to spice it up.

I am on a journey… here is my hand Lord… Lead me out of the village!!!

I am gunning for BEST not just better 🙂

Resonating with my core

Here I was seated in front of the television watching the Olympics back in the 1990s. Gymnastics were my favorite sport. I always wondered how they could move, turn and keep their balance like that. Then I began to see the duets, ice skating and ballet and I thought to myself, “if I were in America, I will definitely go to a dance school”. I dreamt of Julliard. 🙂 yeah I did. But I just knew I won’t get in 😦

Dance to me, is something I can’t describe… Anytime I think about dance, the idea of moving, completing techniques which resonates with your very core was pretty much amazing to me. It was surprising to see how so much can be said in a dance move. I loved it, I still love it and I will continue to.

I started dancing in Junior High School i.e. in 2000, I just happened to join an already existing group, I had no chance of joining because I was not called at the beginning. When I found them, I did not know how I will join, so I kept loitering around until one day, the teacher asked me to join in. They were already far gone in the routines so I needed to work harder than anybody else. I loved it. I enjoyed it, bruises and all. I loved the fact I will finish a rehearsal and go like “Aww my thighs hurt” hahaha. Then, I knew I had really put in much.

Then it ended.

2003/2004, A youth group in CCC, Kumasi came to my Secondary School to help with a program. Once again, I did not know of this and did not know when people were recruited for this. They were preparing a dance to “I believe I can fly”. I asked if I could get in, and they said they were okay with the number and no one else was needed. 😦 I cried… so much that I was allowed in. Then the d-day started to draw near and they started talking about costumes.

“White trousers everyone”, the instructor said

Where was I going to get that in a boarding school? I knew it that again, I was going to be kicked out. It was like I never hard it easy getting into the things I really wanted to do. Just before I could let the tears flow again … there she was, Regina.

Regina was my senior in secondary and she had become like my god-mother. She had gotten me white trousers. My chance was here. For the first time since I came to school I could be part of a full dance piece. That started me up in dance in Secondary School. I started dancing till everyone knew I was synonymous to dance. 🙂 I was encouraged on, because any new person who came to teach arts saw something in me that I did not see in myself. I was afraid of new techniques. And for this I will always thank God for Louis Lamis who pushed me in dance, drama and stage directing. Thanks Judge, hahahahaha.

Four years in the University was exciting; acting and dancing were my dream.. I loved them. I spent almost all those four years with Mass Theatre dancing, at least 3 hours a day. These were exciting times.

Now you remember I enjoyed watching the gymnastics, ballet, duets etc? well I still had that yearning. Anytime I saw a duet, a lift, a turn, my heart sunk… “why couldn’t that be me?” I will silently cry and conclude… “this may never be me”. I shared it with a few people who cared to listen and one day… I had the opportunity.

Mass Theatre was starting poetry ministrations and the Vice President had decided to add a duet since this was towards a relationship seminar. Since he was one of the people who heard me talk about my intense yearning for lifts and turns, He handed me the opportunity and “this is your chance, find a partner and let’s see what you can do”.

hahahaha, ahahha, hahahah, I was elated. This was during Intellecto 2008 and I had no clue who to pick as dance partner. By Sunday when we were about leaving KNUST campus, I had no partner. Some Tech guys had come around to help Mass Theatre that year and one was a genuis at duets, lifts and turns so I asked him to teach me. He started, then stoped and said “Edem you need to pick a partner, then I teach both of you”, So I had no choice but to look for one asap. I definitely wasn’t going to be doing a duet alone.

I looked around and there was him and him. hahaha, yeah I know .. you are wondering who they are. Well, I needed to pick someone to be my partner. Someone I could trust totally. I knew my first choice a bit and nothing about my second choice but definitely I couldn’t be sure about the trust part for any of them. You should obviously understand why the second was my second… cos I did not know him, I knew nothing about whether he could move or not and I wasn’t sure if I could take that chance.

My first choice, I knew, but he was hipoppy… Seemed rigid at the time…Everyone knew him for one dance style. That was the toughest chance. Was not sure, if I could go with that. I needed someone adventurous who could break routine and jump into something else… soo.. as much as I wanted my first choice, 🙂 I took a dangerous chance and chose my second.

My stardum days begun… hahahaha.. never mind me…

Well that begun 2 to 3 years of duets on Legon campus, something we were used to seeing from Tech now became a real possibility in Legon and guess what, I was in the centre of all of it.

😦 Now, here am I after 2010, My dance partner goes off to school outside the country, I can’t seem to do any more duets and my first choice (you remember him), well he didn’t seem too interested (wasn’t his style).

A void was created and a sharp wound followed. I have tried to live on without it and look forward to other dance forms, but anytime I delve into my core… I know that the very part that made my core resonate with dance was missing. Nursing my wounds that just won’t heal.. it always feels so much painful like a heart break.

There is no possibility in sight for me to get into that space again… but a part of me has not lost hope. I love contemporary dance, hope to be back on my feet with that and possibility get into lifts, turns and duets again.

Until then, I hope this pain resonating through my core, does not drown me.

A wounded dancer… 😦

 

my heart tears

Will I be able to write my story someday?

How will I handle this pain?

I fear, cos the devil tells me to fear the coming pain and heart break. 

But God’s got to me… so heart break or not I will be fine.

It doesn’t feel like that now but I will be fine. 

I won’t say I should have moved on

I won’t say I should have accepted others. 

I still choose God and if the situation should present itself again..i will still choose God.

The journey – I stayed

2008;

Good bye is what I said to a bit of my past.

Ready for war I stepped to freedom, knowing that my past had drawn the battle line.

I was to lay low, as low as a long 2 to 3 year wait till I am found by him.

2009;

It begun much faster than I expected so I sort to prayer.

“It has to be your choice Lord, if you don’t make it, I won’t” So I didn’t.

It was easy, not painful.  Enjoying every moment of God making the choice.

“This is far easier than they make it seem” So I thought.

2010;

It was settled. For me, the choice had been made. 

I searched the bible, anything to lock up the settlement… nothing really just the single peace in my heart and many confirmations I received because I won’t fully trust.

Locked up, I was in the journey of mistakes, as I begun to close up because it was settled.

Well this is not a journey of mistakes but a journey of learning: that I wish to share.

2011,

Nothing seemed to be growing in this area. 

Wondering if I heard right. 

But understanding totally the need for silence.

I stayed.

2012,

Hearts shuttered. 

Word clearly spoken. 

He didn’t want me. 

I was better for someone else.

I stayed.

2013,

Lost, not sure where I was

I journeyed into womanhood. 

Fighting against the urge to be the faithful, humble wife. 

Ready to champion the need for domestic men.

Fight broken. 

Eyes opened

to the very heart of God knowing that being humble is simply pleasing God.

2014,

God is important to an than anything else so I swallow my pride and begin to learn 

No man will love me I told myself because I am too strong willed 

until I studied Prov 31.10

then I knew …

I knew.. 

MY imperfection was necessary to make who I am.

I am rare gem because I am imperfect 

so i stayed.

2015,

I begin to see the picture

because of God I can be humble because I prefer Him to no other.

I see myself through His eyes and I can only be accepted through him

So I learn, I open up and I learn

Cherishing Him even when I don’t feel cherished

Being His ambassador when no one represent me 

Loving all He stands for when no one loves mine

Cheering for Him even when no one cheers for me

Picking my cross to begin the endurance journey.

2016,

Too long…

Too long my heart cried out

When will it be?

He said, I see it all wait, pray, wait.

You don’t understand. Implementing these things made it worse. 

I depended more on Him than on God

I waited for the day than for God.

I pined for him more than for God

Wrong equation. was not supposed to be like this.

I took a step back…watched… learned… watched.

Strength came, independence begun but nothing changed.

December… my heart was tearing apart. What had I gotten my self into… I wanted out.

Settle so I step out.

Thank God for wise 

So I stayed.

2017,

“I know what.is going on. I see … everyday look to my face… each day is a day closer…”

So sweet… but anxiety grows stronger but I keep learning

Then, no …. I don’t want this… He really doesn’t want me…

Tears, tears and bucket full otears

Wasted years

Broken heart 

Betrayed!!! Totally betrayed 

Move on…everything shouted, move on…

I stayed, broken hearted

I stay, uncertain, bruised 

I will stay

Because He holds my future, He knows it all

He sees it all

He has tomorrow better planned.