Resonating with my core

Here I was seated in front of the television watching the Olympics back in the 1990s. Gymnastics were my favorite sport. I always wondered how they could move, turn and keep their balance like that. Then I began to see the duets, ice skating and ballet and I thought to myself, “if I were in America, I will definitely go to a dance school”. I dreamt of Julliard. 🙂 yeah I did. But I just knew I won’t get in 😦

Dance to me, is something I can’t describe… Anytime I think about dance, the idea of moving, completing techniques which resonates with your very core was pretty much amazing to me. It was surprising to see how so much can be said in a dance move. I loved it, I still love it and I will continue to.

I started dancing in Junior High School i.e. in 2000, I just happened to join an already existing group, I had no chance of joining because I was not called at the beginning. When I found them, I did not know how I will join, so I kept loitering around until one day, the teacher asked me to join in. They were already far gone in the routines so I needed to work harder than anybody else. I loved it. I enjoyed it, bruises and all. I loved the fact I will finish a rehearsal and go like “Aww my thighs hurt” hahaha. Then, I knew I had really put in much.

Then it ended.

2003/2004, A youth group in CCC, Kumasi came to my Secondary School to help with a program. Once again, I did not know of this and did not know when people were recruited for this. They were preparing a dance to “I believe I can fly”. I asked if I could get in, and they said they were okay with the number and no one else was needed. 😦 I cried… so much that I was allowed in. Then the d-day started to draw near and they started talking about costumes.

“White trousers everyone”, the instructor said

Where was I going to get that in a boarding school? I knew it that again, I was going to be kicked out. It was like I never hard it easy getting into the things I really wanted to do. Just before I could let the tears flow again … there she was, Regina.

Regina was my senior in secondary and she had become like my god-mother. She had gotten me white trousers. My chance was here. For the first time since I came to school I could be part of a full dance piece. That started me up in dance in Secondary School. I started dancing till everyone knew I was synonymous to dance. 🙂 I was encouraged on, because any new person who came to teach arts saw something in me that I did not see in myself. I was afraid of new techniques. And for this I will always thank God for Louis Lamis who pushed me in dance, drama and stage directing. Thanks Judge, hahahahaha.

Four years in the University was exciting; acting and dancing were my dream.. I loved them. I spent almost all those four years with Mass Theatre dancing, at least 3 hours a day. These were exciting times.

Now you remember I enjoyed watching the gymnastics, ballet, duets etc? well I still had that yearning. Anytime I saw a duet, a lift, a turn, my heart sunk… “why couldn’t that be me?” I will silently cry and conclude… “this may never be me”. I shared it with a few people who cared to listen and one day… I had the opportunity.

Mass Theatre was starting poetry ministrations and the Vice President had decided to add a duet since this was towards a relationship seminar. Since he was one of the people who heard me talk about my intense yearning for lifts and turns, He handed me the opportunity and “this is your chance, find a partner and let’s see what you can do”.

hahahaha, ahahha, hahahah, I was elated. This was during Intellecto 2008 and I had no clue who to pick as dance partner. By Sunday when we were about leaving KNUST campus, I had no partner. Some Tech guys had come around to help Mass Theatre that year and one was a genuis at duets, lifts and turns so I asked him to teach me. He started, then stoped and said “Edem you need to pick a partner, then I teach both of you”, So I had no choice but to look for one asap. I definitely wasn’t going to be doing a duet alone.

I looked around and there was him and him. hahaha, yeah I know .. you are wondering who they are. Well, I needed to pick someone to be my partner. Someone I could trust totally. I knew my first choice a bit and nothing about my second choice but definitely I couldn’t be sure about the trust part for any of them. You should obviously understand why the second was my second… cos I did not know him, I knew nothing about whether he could move or not and I wasn’t sure if I could take that chance.

My first choice, I knew, but he was hipoppy… Seemed rigid at the time…Everyone knew him for one dance style. That was the toughest chance. Was not sure, if I could go with that. I needed someone adventurous who could break routine and jump into something else… soo.. as much as I wanted my first choice, 🙂 I took a dangerous chance and chose my second.

My stardum days begun… hahahaha.. never mind me…

Well that begun 2 to 3 years of duets on Legon campus, something we were used to seeing from Tech now became a real possibility in Legon and guess what, I was in the centre of all of it.

😦 Now, here am I after 2010, My dance partner goes off to school outside the country, I can’t seem to do any more duets and my first choice (you remember him), well he didn’t seem too interested (wasn’t his style).

A void was created and a sharp wound followed. I have tried to live on without it and look forward to other dance forms, but anytime I delve into my core… I know that the very part that made my core resonate with dance was missing. Nursing my wounds that just won’t heal.. it always feels so much painful like a heart break.

There is no possibility in sight for me to get into that space again… but a part of me has not lost hope. I love contemporary dance, hope to be back on my feet with that and possibility get into lifts, turns and duets again.

Until then, I hope this pain resonating through my core, does not drown me.

A wounded dancer… 😦

 

my heart tears

Will I be able to write my story someday?

How will I handle this pain?

I fear, cos the devil tells me to fear the coming pain and heart break. 

But God’s got to me… so heart break or not I will be fine.

It doesn’t feel like that now but I will be fine. 

I won’t say I should have moved on

I won’t say I should have accepted others. 

I still choose God and if the situation should present itself again..i will still choose God.

The journey – I stayed

2008;

Good bye is what I said to a bit of my past.

Ready for war I stepped to freedom, knowing that my past had drawn the battle line.

I was to lay low, as low as a long 2 to 3 year wait till I am found by him.

2009;

It begun much faster than I expected so I sort to prayer.

“It has to be your choice Lord, if you don’t make it, I won’t” So I didn’t.

It was easy, not painful.  Enjoying every moment of God making the choice.

“This is far easier than they make it seem” So I thought.

2010;

It was settled. For me, the choice had been made. 

I searched the bible, anything to lock up the settlement… nothing really just the single peace in my heart and many confirmations I received because I won’t fully trust.

Locked up, I was in the journey of mistakes, as I begun to close up because it was settled.

Well this is not a journey of mistakes but a journey of learning: that I wish to share.

2011,

Nothing seemed to be growing in this area. 

Wondering if I heard right. 

But understanding totally the need for silence.

I stayed.

2012,

Hearts shuttered. 

Word clearly spoken. 

He didn’t want me. 

I was better for someone else.

I stayed.

2013,

Lost, not sure where I was

I journeyed into womanhood. 

Fighting against the urge to be the faithful, humble wife. 

Ready to champion the need for domestic men.

Fight broken. 

Eyes opened

to the very heart of God knowing that being humble is simply pleasing God.

2014,

God is important to an than anything else so I swallow my pride and begin to learn 

No man will love me I told myself because I am too strong willed 

until I studied Prov 31.10

then I knew …

I knew.. 

MY imperfection was necessary to make who I am.

I am rare gem because I am imperfect 

so i stayed.

2015,

I begin to see the picture

because of God I can be humble because I prefer Him to no other.

I see myself through His eyes and I can only be accepted through him

So I learn, I open up and I learn

Cherishing Him even when I don’t feel cherished

Being His ambassador when no one represent me 

Loving all He stands for when no one loves mine

Cheering for Him even when no one cheers for me

Picking my cross to begin the endurance journey.

2016,

Too long…

Too long my heart cried out

When will it be?

He said, I see it all wait, pray, wait.

You don’t understand. Implementing these things made it worse. 

I depended more on Him than on God

I waited for the day than for God.

I pined for him more than for God

Wrong equation. was not supposed to be like this.

I took a step back…watched… learned… watched.

Strength came, independence begun but nothing changed.

December… my heart was tearing apart. What had I gotten my self into… I wanted out.

Settle so I step out.

Thank God for wise 

So I stayed.

2017,

“I know what.is going on. I see … everyday look to my face… each day is a day closer…”

So sweet… but anxiety grows stronger but I keep learning

Then, no …. I don’t want this… He really doesn’t want me…

Tears, tears and bucket full otears

Wasted years

Broken heart 

Betrayed!!! Totally betrayed 

Move on…everything shouted, move on…

I stayed, broken hearted

I stay, uncertain, bruised 

I will stay

Because He holds my future, He knows it all

He sees it all

He has tomorrow better planned.

Notes on Dear Christian Brother.

Yes, I mentioned Christian brother because you all are my brothers as God is our Father. So whatever hurts you hurts me, whatever you do to someone else affects me as your sister just as it tells wrongly or greatly on our Father in heaven, God.
 
This is an observation I have been making with some of my friends of mine over some months and years now. Yes, of course all females, cos we feel the pain and easily for our sisters in the Churh.
 
Problem: We are not happy with how you treat us your sisters? (Love, relationship, marriage).
These are my thoughts from observations:
 
1. Our brothers do not settle early in life that they will get married someday and therefore aside just preparing money for the wedding ceremony and all, preparation must include learning to live as a father, husband and lover to any kind of woman.
 
2. Brothers have been schooled to believe that they have a pool of females to consider as they grow. Unfortunately our brothers of today take this wrongly. They keep a number of females around with whom they share similar initmacies with, confusing the females and confusing themselves in the long run.
 
3. Brothers do not take time to know, that a lot of attention and affection for a woman when she feels she is the only one actually moves the heart of a woman to like you more than you expected.
 
4. In your bid to have a pool to sample from, you have left in your wake a number of females who believe someday you will be coming to ask their hand in marriage only for them to hit with the message that, “I never made any promise to you”
Trust me Christian brother you are sometimes justified in your actions. I really don’t blame you. We know you do not set out to hurt your own sisters. But in the light of being a child of our Father in heaven and according to His word where we are to be kind one to another, treat others like we will want to be treated, love each other as Christ had loved us, Please take a step back and watch how you relate to us sisters.
 
Do you find more than one woman thinking too highly of the relationship you have with them? If so, pause and consider how you are treating them. No one says be an enemy all of a sudden, but are you not a child of God and is she also not same? What makes you think for this one God has no way of helping you out, to better treat His own daughters as the Princesses they are and for you to also keep your dignity as the Prince you are.
 
I am worried and concerned, because a number of broken hearts are being left in your wake. Those you know off and those you do not know.
 
Because you and her have a common father and a wrong move will actually marr our Family Name,
– please stop being too sweet if many or one woman is taking this relationship serious and you are not ready.
– please stop making her feel she is the only when you know you 2 or more other women you are considering for marriage.
– Please my brother don’t wait till the day you say I do to know that you have about 5 more hearts broken.
All because you were selfish to take more than you should have from all of them without realising their hearts will get involved.
 
Its obvious most of you do need companions at some age in your life, only you are not mostly sure by that time whether you want to marry anytime soon or whether you want to marry her.  
 
So please do not be so spiritual in everything but your heart, your marriage, your human relations and most of all decision on who to choose as a mate. The same way God talks to you on the person that needs healing, on the anointing service, on the powerful ministrations, is the same way He can and wants to talk to you about how you are relating to His daughters and how best to go about it.
 
Your Father treats His daughters as Princesses, as a Prince walking in the foot steps of your Father, being fashioned after Christ as one loving the church please treat them the same for one of these princesses will one day be your bride.

Dear Christian Brother

Our dear Christian brother,

Must we wait for you?

Smiling sweetly to every sister (I am being hospitable)

Paying close attention to each one like they were more than special (I just like to treat every one equally)

 

Must we wait for you?

Spending more than time with her only.

Being available and around anytime she needs you.

 

Must we wait for you?

Taking in all her designs made specifcally for your stomach.

Enjoying alone, the special attention she gives.

 

Must we wait for you?

Noticing now something better.

Craving now a new venture.

 

Must we wait for you?

Hurting cos she finds your heart belongs to another.

Broken cos all you spent with her are wasted.

 

Must we wait for you?

Our dear Christian brother.

Shape up or ship out!!!